~The Return~

Two years ago I thought I knew. Being like most young 16 year olds, I had a very naive look on the world. Everything sounded great in my head, but the reality behind it all was quite limited. I wanted to be an Israeli soldier. Just like that. I had just spent 5 months on Kibbutz Tzuba and was officially high on my country, my people, and my religion. And for the next year this idea stuck. When all my other friends were off applying to colleges, I had other plans in my mind. But like all drugs, the high wears off. It wasn't an abrupt change of mind, but it was a gradual assimilation to the American dream. This transformation seemed to go into high drive this past fall. I spent countless hours laughing with my best friend, became closer with a very special friend who helped me grow into a stronger individual, and I began to accept the American culture as my own. I loved it in America. The people I loved were in America. And for one of the rare occasions in my life I could say I was truly happy. I didn't want anything to change. And in some ways I did not want to go to Israel, but I knew I had to.

It wasn't easy leaving. I cried. A lot. Maybe more than I ever have in my life. Saying goodbye to certain people that I loved a lot was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. It was hard to not only see what my departure was doing to them, but also what it was doing to me. I wasn't the same without some. They made me, well me.

When I got here I was overwhelmed by all my old Israel emotions flushing right back in even greater force. I remembered why I loved it here so much and I fell in love all over again. Except this time it didn't take 5 months, but about 24 hours. I'm trying to figure things out. I am not still the same naive boy I was two years ago. I would like to think that I have a better head on my shoulders than then, but yet i still come to the same conclusion. I feel not only an obligation, but also a huge desire to serve my country through the military. There is this other Ulpanist here who I look up to. He is what I want myself to be. He is a 19 year old from California who recently moved to Israel, obtained Israeli citizenship, is studying Hebrew in Ulpan with me at Kibbutz Revivim, and is waiting for his letter in the mail calling him up to combat duty. He, at least what I see, appears fearless and is so dedicated to his decision of making Aliyah. I am not this way. I fear too much. I fear leaving my friends and family for such an extended amount of time to go to a completely new country. I fear not only what will happen to me when I'm here, but what will happen to my loved ones when I am gone. My fear is not based on death, but more of me not being able to serve up to my ability. I can't imagine not living with some people. Well, after talking to this kid, and having him sort of understand where I am coming from made me want to do it anymore. He made it sound so simple. After spending awhile talking to him about it, my mind was going bonkers. That night I was sure I wanted to enlist. I've thought more since that night and have figured that I have no idea. I am being torn in two directions. In one direction is the place I love. The place I want to defend. The place that I see myself being a part of. In the other direction is the ones I love. The people that make me happy. Part of me is there and belongs to them. Forever and Eternity.

But I need to turn my back on one. I can go back to America, go to college, be with some of the most amazing people in the world, continue my life trying to achieve the American dream and live with the constant regret that I didn't follow my dreams. I can serve in the IDF, feel a sense of fufillment, do good for the Jewish people, but also be torn away from my loved ones that I cant imagine not being with and thrown into a country I am not familiar with. I am alone without them.

I'm sure this is very confusing to read. This is probably because my thoughts are all over the place and have yet to figure anything out.

As the Ramones so wisely put it. "Do I Stay or do I Go?"